Friends With Jens

Things I have, now that the weekend is over:
-a feeling of sadness, because Jen & Mark are out there on the freeway somewhere, heading towards Toronto
-a feeling of happiness, because I just had one of the greatest, most renewing, most laugh-filled weekends EVERRRRRRRR
-a new taste for coffee liqueur
-a new appreciation for my vision, and a new admiration for those wh0 must go without (more on that later!)
-3D glasses ... from watching this on Saturday afternoon, while an indefinable substance fell over Montreal (is it rain? is it snow? is it God jostling His frothy cappuccino while he reaches for a pain-au-chocolat?)
-tons and tons and tons of delicious, beautifully imperfect, crunchy vegetables from a fabulous adventure to the Jean-Talon Farmer's Market this aft
-new tall boots that make teacher noises on uncarpeted floors! new winter coat avec furry, cold-proof collar!
-a tasteful souvenir from the Flying-J at Napanee
-some blow (this kind, not the other kind)
-a renewed love for two of my best people.

Saturday night deserves a specific mention of its own... Here is a fairly accurate artistic portrayal of what the dinner looked like at O.Noir:

We arrived there (after briefly waiting out the rain in what we later realized was the door to a ... um... well, let's just say the light that guided us to said doorway hummed from a three-foot-tall pair of neon legs), and made our way into the dimly-lit lobby where a charming bartender explained the "rules" - order your food while you're still in the light of the lobby, lock your gear away in one of the cupboards provided, turn off your cell phones, etc... and then we were introduced to our waiter who lead us conga-line style through the thick double curtains and into the pitch black dining room. All the waiters and waitresses working in the dining room are 50-90% visually impaired (as explained by the bartender earlier), and they do an amazing job. It was truly incredible. Before we went into the darkness Jen pointed out a floor plan framed behind the bar, so we got a quick glimpse of the dining room's layout - I think it was essentially one loooong room, with tables close to the wall on either side and a wide aisle down the middle. The servers moving around and between the tables kept tabs on each other by any kind of call they felt like - some clapped, some called "Attention! Attention!", one even meowed as she went between kitchen and guests (at least, I assume that was her route ... who knows!). Our waiter helped us find & conquer our chairs, and we gradually realized that we were sitting in a row across from another couple, who sounded about our age (and one of whom was also a Megan! That can get confusing in the dark). I was hoping we'd meet them in the light afterwards but we didn't end up leaving at the same time... plus it's kind of cool knowing someone based on words only. Maybe I'll overhear them on the Metro sometime and be like, "hey, are you the people from the dark?" It could be the beginning to a good story!

The possibilities for any kind of thing happening at that place are endless - dirty deeds, dangerous deeds, desperate deeds would all be a piece of cake for the right (or wrong?) people! No wonder they make you lock everything up before you go in. There were some very happy, loud people somewhere to our right and we all had theories about what was going on at their table in the dark. Along with our incognito cohorts, we scared each other with made-up horror movie scenarios... imagine the police questioning afterwards? "I swear, officer, I didn't see a thing!" Mark scared us further by GETTING OUT OF HIS CHAIR and sneaking about in the dark. I had a fork in each hand and was ready to jab at whatever touched me but luckily he was seated again before the waiter came with wine. Every time he arrived with something new for us he'd let us know he was there with a very polite "Sorry?" and then help us adjust to whatever he put down. "Sorry? Your wine." And my hands would be found, lifted, and placed around the cool bowl of a wine glass. When he brought our food dishes he waited patiently while we groped for our wine glasses and lifted them safely out of the way. An added fun feature of O.Noir is that you can order food described on the menu, or (feeling brave) you can order their "surprise" dishes! Mark & Jen ordered both a surprise appetizer & surprise entree, while I stuck with a known entree - chicken & eggplant - and ordered a surprise dessert. Everything was sososooooo delicious, probably a combination of no sight/good cooks. The surprise appetizer for J&M was pacific salmon, and their entree turned out to be some sort of combination of all the entrees on the menu. The surprise desert was a raspberry/mango custard! It would have been fun to see it all after we had eaten it, to find out if our mental images of what we were fumbling with were accurate. To reward ourselves for having re-emerged onto the street without food or wine stains on our laps we went for some raspberry beer and, eventually, some Donnie Darko & popcorn back at my (fully lit) apartment.

What a weekend... time now for a bit or recuperation, then bed, then back to life.
JenandmarkImissyouuuu!!!!

Boyfriends, Girlfriends, Old Friends

Currently: half watching Love Actually, half waiting for Jen & Mark to arrive!!! Things I have baked/cooked/stirred today: chocolate chip banana muffins, pumpkin whoopie pies, chili (all on my kitchen table), and several vodka high balls (all in my stomach). I just watched the bit in Love Actually where the secret orchestra stands up and plays an impromptu "Love Is All You Need" for the bride & groom. Note to my future Best Man, if I happen to know him already (I'm fairly certain I already know my Best Lady): BIG points for arranging the very same thing at my "someday" wedding! If Keira Knightely gets it, why not moi? I don't care about originality... I just want four trumpeters sitting in a row behind the groom's family waiting for their cue! I guess I also want a groom who I'll love until my last day, but that much is already factored into the fantasy. If I know my future groom already: look out! You're in for one giant wedding bill!!!! But won't it be worth it? I mean, come on! IMPROMPTU TRUMPETERS! (plus: super awesome bride!!!!)

Today was an exceptionally beautiful day in Montreal... high-definition sunlight angling between the buildings, which I happen to know because I went downtown to meet a friend for lunch. (Aside to Bronwyn and Adam: there is a Zyng restaurant right beside Concordia! I can't believe I never noticed it before! I was just walking down the street, saying "damn, it's too bad that Zyng is all the way down at St. Denis cuz that would be the perfect place to go!" and then WHOOOO there as a Zyng right in front of us! AND THEY HAVE A LUNCH SPECIAL! FOR SEVEN DOLLARS!!! There was a beam of dusty sunlight and the hum of angels... definitely a divine intervention on my lunch plans)

Radio Announcer: Best shag you ever had?
Billy Mack: Brittany Spears.
RA: Really?!
BM: No, I'm just kidding. She was rubbish.

Okay, what else.... got a massive inspiration today for a potential submission to the next Delirium Press line of chapbooks. It was the fall-on-your-knees-and-be-grateful kind of inspiration that came somewhere between the old Stanley Street bookshops and the wheeze of the 24 Sherbrooke bus. The Dilirium deadline is sometime in December so I'll need to reel off a masterpiece in the next couple of weeks to give me enough time for acceptable proofreads. Although I guess that if it's a masterpiece, the proofreading is only for show. (not to say that I don't value you, oh valuable proofreaders!)

Movie update: now comes the scene with the Norah Jones Turn Me On song ... I seriously need to get that song. Someday.

Today, whilst milling about on my own downtown, not quite feeling up to returning home to face TA planning, I wandered around the Stanley St bookshops near Concordia. I started with Chapters and harassed my friend Kasper for a while, who just got hired a couple of weeks ago so he's still all green and diligent. The instant I mentioned a book he was looking it up and telling me what floor it was on! that's service. He was all about straightening and shelving and dusting! Made me feel homesick for my old digs at the UWO store where my dear London family is currently toiling with the pre-Christmas, post-midterm crowd. I sashayed over to the used bookstores after that, which is where I picked up The True History of the Kelly Gang (which I've wanted to read for quite a while...). Who knows when I'll get to it. I just finished Outside the Dog Museum by Jonathan Carroll, which turned out to be a very philosophical mind game that kept me preoccupied during all the blank moments of a day: bus riding, elevator waiting, sleep building (thanks to Stephen Cribar, my all-time favourite boss/friend/recommender of good books). I still have D's Zen of Motorcycle Maintenance to ponder through (don't think I've forgotten!), which I'm even more excited about now that my philosophical appetite is whetted! (whet? Whetted? why???)

Love Actually is about to reach that moment that is probably one of my favourites in the movie, where the poor wretched Best Man is hating himself out in the street while the Dido song is playing. I think it's a crazy girl moment - we all want to have a boy writhing over us in an alley somewhere with Dido playing in the background. Admit it! We do!!! It's awful, but soooo true! That's what makes this movie so great, and so hated by 99% of the population. It sums up the so-called "romantic crisis" of the privileged upper-middle-class of our place & time! As for the movie at this moment, I just want to yell at the guy. Dude, Keira Knightley is waiting for you in your friggin living room! How wretched do you have to be???

I hope no one reading this who has thought highly of me until now suddenly changes their mind about my intellectual credibility because of my weakness for romantic comedy. I'm still the same person I was to you yesterday! Remember that! Dear god, remember!!!

JENnMARK in less than one hour!!!!

The Postal Service...

...is more than just good listenin' for shloopy love-worn tracks!

Things Tycho & I have received in the mail in the last week:

1. Halloween package from mom (containing candies, bats, and a Walrus!) (magazine, not animal)
2. Halloween card from Jen's parents, Mary & John! (containing picture of Tycho as I've never seen him before!)
3. Card from my grandma ... which I am saving for the right time to open!
3. Package from my old friend/high school teacher Gwen (containing a book & lovely/loving letter!)
4. Package from my dad (containing something gift-wrapped which I will resist opening until the 14th!)
5. Bust magazine! (containing delicious reads)

The packages from Gwen & my dad arrived coincidentally at the same time, delivered personally to my door by a FedEx dude and an XpressPost dude respectively. I wanted them to duke it out at my door so that I could officiate and then congratulate the winner ("you are the last post!") but they were far too gentlemanly.

And soon something else is going to come through my door... and that something else iiiis... JEN'N'MARK! this means a special trip to the SAQ/grocery store tonight to stock up on goodies, pumpkin-based and otherwise. This also means we will finally crack open the giant Kahlua bucket that Jen's mom gave me when I moved! Feeling extra good right now because I've been working extra much over the past few days to clear the slate for the weekend. I'm not quite where I should be yet (due to getting inexplicably sucked into the underground mall yesterday - some days I am just not strong enough to withstand its pull!) but I'm close to being on top of things. I've still got some viable work hours left before their arrival so I'd better get to it... by the time they get here I will be ready for a good looooong break!

that is all for now!

damn.

As yet the new city seemed forbidden to me, and the strange
unpersuadable landscape darkened as though I didn't exist.
Even the nearest Things didn't care whether I understood them.

-Rainer Maria Rilke, "The Vast Night"

Target Practice!

T and I received a surprise package in the mail this week, packed full of our favourite things: candy and fake bats. I gave Tycho the bats (he has destroyed one and sleeps cuddled against another - who knows what his criteria is) and kept the candy for myself! Tycho, always taught not to gobble food from strangers (and not fully understanding the postal system) did a thorough investigation of the candies before deeming them safe and letting me indulge.

Brunch today with Marko of the parents-who-used-to-be-gangsters Marko, you'd know him if you saw him. We made crepes, which turned out marvellously well, and spiked smoothies (ditto on marvellosity, especially with the classic Megan steep tilt to the bottle), and even managed to run fast enough from my house to downtown to catch Marie Antoinette (the movie, not the girl.) Disappointment: the New Order song I have come to love wasn't actually in the movie. Un-disappointment: a Strokes song was in it! And it was a pageant, full of candy-for-the-eyes sort of goodness, if a little dull in terms of plot. Now I can imagine that every vehicle I'm in is a horse and carriage. This used to happen a lot as a kid, this easy bleeding of movie life into real life after seeing a particularly mesmerizing film. Doors to bedrooms became doors to secret bedrooms, creek beds became moors (as talked about in the Secret Garden movie, though I never fully understood what a moor was), and ordinary vehicles became horse-drawn carriages. The difference was that I had a bright yellow school bus whisking me off to kindergarten. These days I have a big grey bus jostling me to graduate seminars. It will be a test of the invisible faculties to say the least!

Horse-drawn carriages sound good right now actually, since they might actually operate for a dependable period of time. I am feeling pouty about technology because in the past three weeks these are the things that have crapped out in my apartment:
1) microwave
2) iPod
3) printer
Argh!!! Mom reminded me that these things happen in threes and I hope she's right! I got a new microwave already, and I can handle not having an iPod for a while, but not having a printer is really bad news - especially since I just spent $80 buying a new ink thingy! AND double-especially because I already had to ship this printer off once before to get it repaired. (note: that repair may or may not have been my fault, something to do with melting a transparency sheet inside, but I don't know how that would cause a whole system shut-down, come on). This time though the printer got jammed, for reals, through no fault of my own. I gutted it as always and pulled out the bad piece of paper, put it back together, and never got contact again. It's like my printer just shrugged its shoulders and gave up. Maybe it's sort of like an organ transplant, and the new ink thingy I got for it is getting rejected by the printer. I've tried everything. I even called Future Shop (baaaaaad idea). So tomorrow I will go downtown and (a) drop off my iPod at a UPS store to go back to Apple and (b) drop off my printer at Future Shop to go back to purgatory for a month or two. talk about URGH! especially because essay season is coming up! At least I finished printing out all the comments for my students' latest assignments already, AND printed out my latest workshop piece. Maybe that's what did it! The totall heart-stopping genius of my writing was just too much for my printer to handle, and it was all like, "Whoa man, my ink is not worthy! Abort! Abort!!" I will try printing a really bad story stolen from diary.com or something.

Nope, still not working.

Any suggestions before I take it back tomorrow morning? Because I'd reeeeeeally like to not have to take it back. That would be super helpful and probably deserving of a batch of cookies sent in your direction.

This morning I was out in the alley with Tycho when Jen & Mark called! So Tycho enjoyed an extra-long walk, and Megan enjoyed an extra-long "what's up!" with her Toronto syndicate. GOOD NEWS! They are both coming to visit this weekend! I knew it all along but now it seems extra exciting, since I've actually talked to both of them. Yay guys, you're coming!!!! We're going to eat in the dark! AND I got a little wee on-sale blender today, so we can make Kahlua mudshakes that Jen's mom gave me as a housewarming present! whooop.

Also, soon I will go home to Waterloo/Dundalk for the fastest trip ever (two days!) during which I will see important people: family, D, other [Dundalk] family... And I'm going to see THIS live & in person, starring a Dundalkian who is very near & dear to me:

I want to pick peaches off the cherry tree!

What does that even mean!? Perhaps only Boy Least Likely To will ever know. But I will continue to watch their video over and over to try and figure it out, because it's THE CUTEST VIDEO EVER. my favourite is the bunny (?) playing the drum. he got rhythm!

[disclaimer: this video might be slightly cuter. thanks, d!]

Okay, ten minutes until my delicious, homemade pizza is done, so here is a blog in ten minutes or less! And of course, we will start with the man of every hour. Here is a public service announcement to anyone who has a feline at home...

THIS IS YOUR CAT:


THIS IS YOUR CAT ON DRUGS!!!


I gave Tycho some catnip this morning and he just about exploded with enthusiasm. seriously! He had a total manic fit!!! I think he suspects me of trying to hoard the catnip all to myself because every time I got close to him while he still had a little sprinkling of the stuff he kind of wrapped his front paws around it in a protective sort of way, and gave me the evil eye. And what an eye! Look at those pupils! He got the post-high munchies big time afterwards, and started eating my plant, which took a lot of effort since said plant hangs from a hook on the ceiling.

Other news:

My friend Ben, who is a bike messenger in Montreal, got hit by a car and broke his arm! ouch! but now he gets a new bike! yay!

Jen is moving [someday] to Montreal! (says Megan)

My sister is going to San Fransisco to present a paper! (says my sister)

And... what else... I've been feeling better and better about the Concordia social scene lately. Still a little [country bumkin] fish in a big pond, but little fishes sometimes get invited to the best parties! I haven't connected with anyone enough to create a new email folder (a sure sign of importance), but I have had some very, very good times, and feel confident that many more such times lie ahead.
Also, there is an unending stream of fascinating people to get to know... last night at Brutopia (which now has chocolate beer - Jen, pay attention!), I met a girl who works for an ice cream flavour company! Said company does just what their name suggests... they peddle new ice cream flavours to potential ice cream manufacturers! I thought things like that only existed in Who-ville.


ONLY TWO
MORE
MONTHS
WHOOOO!!!!




that is all I can say at the moment, since my pizza is ready!

Friend of My LaserJet

Here is a picture of the most handsome dude in Montreal, possibly even the world, taken about thirty seconds ago:


LOOK AT THAT FACE
I wish I could just squeeze him right now! Oh wait, I can! BECAUSE HE LIVES WITH ME!!!

Today: sat down with Dr. Manish Sharma, my official RA (Ridiculously Awesome) boss for the coming year. I'm going to be working for him on his new academic project, which he told me all about today. This meeting involved, on my part, a lot of solemn head-nodding and saying things like, "Hmmm, yes, I see." But seriously, I understood most of what he was describing to me (I *think* that, very broadly speaking, he is planning on taking contemporary lit theory and philosophy and using it to reexamine Old English texts)... and even if it does seem a little beyond me at this point, he was just so darned enthusiastic about it all that I got caught up in it too, and now I feel really excited. Whoooo, Deleuze in the house! (apparently most of my grunt work will involve reading lots and lots of this guy). Manish has never had an RA before, and I've never been an RA before, but we both agreed to make it a learning adventure (because those are the best kind of adventures, after all!). He was all, "I just got a SSHRC so now I can hire an assistant!" and I was all, "Dude, I just got a SSHRC, too! Where's my monkey?"

I start in November. Very exciting.

So, in other news, the story I've been working lately (which has shouldered aside all the other work I should be doing right now) was originally supposed to be about ten pages long, but it has since swollen like a hammered thumb to an unwieldy thirty, and still going. I seem to have taken to heart Patrick McCabe's advice of "writing it all" on the first draft, without regard to the personal editing impulse. I'm worried that I have not only disregarded my personal editing impulse, but have actually squashed it altogether, for good! I'm also worried about how much it's going to cost me to photocopy this mess for everyone in my workshop. I seem to have a rapport with the dudes at the copy center though, since I'm in there jamming up their machines nearly every day, so maybe I can get a deal. Anyway, now I need to come up with a title. I am resentful of Alice Munro for already having a story called Friend of My Youth. That is such a good title and now my brain keeps thinking for a while and then saying, "I know! How about Friend of My Youth?" And I am all "Urrrgh that's already taken, remember?!" And my brain is all, "Oh yeah, my bad." Then, five minutes later, the same thing! Once in a while I get, "I know! How about Love of a Good Woman?" Which doesn't even bear any relevance to my story. Grrr, brain. Grrr, brilliant Alice Munro. Grrrr, lack of personal editing skills.

Yay, tycho!

The World This Morning

Bronwyn likes Adam...

Megan likes porridge...

Tycho likes bumming around!


Things I predict will happen today:
1. I'll accidentally sleep in longer than I meant to (already happened)
2. I'll eat a banana (currently happening)
3. I'll have a furious debate with myself about whether or not to put real clothes on and go out to get the G&M... likely I'll decide not to (yay pajamas!)
4. I'll finish a new story
4.5 I'll get all snuggly-warm with Tycho in the basket chair whilst finishing said new story (it's raining outside, perfect writing weather)
5. I'll make chicken fried rice for dinner
6. I'll scrutinize my face in the mirror, and decide it's a pretty good face
7. I'll go to Katie's party!
8. I'll run like mad down Sherbrooke to catch the last metro home at 1:16am exactly

That's all!
The rest is between God and my inbox!

Snakes on a Blog!

This guy lives twenty minutes away from my apartment... at the Montreal Biodome! If he ever escapes, Tycho's in trouble. Bronwyn and Adam and I went to visit him and his other zoo buddies last week... there were many screaming children... and many screaming birds! It was hard to tell who was who. There was also a bat cave (I steered clear).

We saw penguins!



And one of these!

And a couple of those!

We also saw some more uniquely Montreal sights during their visit... like horses with ear muffs...


And pretty parks...


And poutine...



And... repulsive plaster-of-paris statues of Habs fans?!

I even introduced B&A to the wonders of Brutopia and its raspberry beer!


To work off the threat of beer gut, we went on a military march up the mountain... which was amazingly cool (and we met lots of dogs!). Since when do big teeming cities have giant, preserved forests right in their middle? Answer: since MONTREAL!



So tomorrow night is the chapbook launch! I'm not sure why I'm so excited about it - maybe because I expect the readings to be really good - and also because I'm proud to have been a part of the whole chapbook-making process, albeit a small part in which I didn't really have any concept of what I was actually doing. The girls in charge were all, "Fold this, glue that, eat some soup!" and I was all, "Yes ma'am!" So it will be interesting to see the final product, and definitely beneficial to have a good Montreal night under my belt to kick off my return after the long weekend. So far, since I got back, it's been grind-grind-grind... and not in the clubby/dancey kind of way! Ew. More in the WRITE LIKE A MANIAC AND MEAN IT! kind of way. That's okay though, because I have a nice smattering of social events coming up to keep me from getting too pale and nervous in my own bubble. Example: faculty "wine from a box" shin-dig at the grad lounge next week. It's like speed dating, but instead of looking for men, I'm looking for thesis supervisors! Much safer, in my opinion.

Hancock family: the H stands for Holy Cow, Are We Ever Great!

Well ... so much has happened in the last six days that it all deserves a lifetime of blogging, but since I’m back in The Mont now and time is in short supply (hurrrmustmarkpapershurrr) I’d better reign myself in. Spent the last two days in Hancockland, the land of never-ending food and hugs, of baby smiles and spit-up, of forests and moms and cousins and aunts, the occasional uncle, the grandma, the animals, the farm and all of its columns of sunlight and dust… man, a lot of good things can and will happen to me, but there is nothing that could ever top a Hancock get-together. Anyone who marries/is born into our family hits the jackpot, in my frank opinion. Maybe Adam or Padma could attest to this? Anyway, I asked cousin Milan what he thought about my jackpot theory:



...and he expressed his opinion by performing an elaborate somersault! That's how we Hancocks express our love for each other: acrobatics.



There are so many brand new people to keep track of! It’s like our family has exploded into a whole new generation of cousins (even though, technically, we’re still on the same generation). We sort of hit a temporary dry spell after the last Thompson boy, who is now [unbelievably] in grade twelve (and whose brother Evan is carrying on my legacy at UWO this year). Then, incredibly, Juling joined us from China, the terrific twosome of Milan and Rishi (who I tried, unsuccessfully, to smuggle back to Montreal with me) showed up, and, most recently, Neeharika made her entrance, and most of us met her for the first time this weekend!

Here is a wee photo exposé of the last couple of days, featuring the newest Hancocks. Little dudes!








I only wish that we could all get together at these holiday moments… Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter usually draw the majority of us to the family farm, but we are most often missing our B.C. and Colorado chapters, since it’s a little more complicated for them to get out here. Hopefully someone will get married soon so that everyone can be together again for a giant celebration (I’ve got my money on one of the Thompson boys – all handsome, all charmers, all drifting dreamily into the marry-able age. Take note, single lady friends of mine! I have their phone numbers!!!).

So now I’m wrapped warmly in the left-over bliss of the whole weekend (and stuffed with the left-over turkey and cake). When I got to the train station in Toronto late this afternoon, there were two lines forming side-by-side: one for the train to London, and one for the train to Montreal. Gasp! The forking road!!! It was a rather difficult moment, biting the bullet and stepping into the Montreal line. I made a mini luggage island for myself and hunkered down in a troubled little cloud of nostalgia. On the train I kept the vibe going by listening to some decidedly “London” music. It was a brave move considering the possible emotional consequences and the growing cross-provincial gap between me and mine, but for the most part it was okay. I know for sure now which songs I can handle and which songs have to be reserved for later days!

There are thousands of pictures left to share (which will likely trickle in later) and an entire blog’s worth of storytelling from Bronwyn and Adam’s stay in Montreal last week (we saw penguins! we climbed a mountain! some of us bought new shoes!). Right now, though, I’m so tired from several nights of sleeping on various couches/window seats/train cars that I’d better give up for the day. I am so happy to see my little T-dot again! He's been following me around ever since I got home, and he keeps tapping my foot and chirping up at me, as if to say, "Is that really you?" This entry has taken a long time to finish because I keep leaving my desk to chase him around. Little dude! I would feel a lot worse right now if it wasn't for him!!!

Time now for sleep, and dreams about family....

and right now...

This was my street from early this morning ... misty montreal, getting all the rain out of its system so that the next two days can be all about sun & glory!

It's 11:14pm on Wednesday night. Facts:

1) bronwyn & adam are here! sister and brother(in law)! double fun, double espresso, double high-fives! (see bronwyn with tycho, left)

2) we have had wine. lots of wine.

3) LOTS

4) adam has passed out (some might say "gone to sleep"...) on the couch, leaving us women to guard the cave. soon i will have to wake him up and kick him off, because the couch is my designated sleeping area. his designated sleeping area is the bed, though, so he shouldn't complain.

5) tomorrow we're going to SEE THE CITY LIKE IT'S NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE (and i'm going to go to class)

6) things are getting better

This is a message for Jen & Mark

...who are coming to visit me soon! When you come, we have to go to O.Noir. It is a restaurant where they serve food.

IN THE DARK!

Everything is done in pitch blackness! When you get there you go up to a counter, look at a menu, and place your order. Then you leave all of your valuables in a locker. THEN one of the waiters comes to fetch you... you put your hand on their shoulder... and they lead you into the total darkness of the dining room, where they help you find your knife, fork, plate, and napkin, and bring you your meal... which you will apparently enjoy so much more, not being able to see it, since all of your other senses (ie. taste) will be heightened! Isn't that crazy? I just heard an interview about it on CBC. The whole idea, besides being a fun experience, is to raise awareness about people who are visually impaired. Apparently all of the wait staff are blind (or semi-blind), which is a good thing for so many reasons, including the fact that visually impaired people have an unemployment rate of almost 80% in Montreal! Anyway... this is the new Montreal eating hotspot according to the radio gods, so once I know when you guys are coming, I'm totally making a reservation. And think - I will have the perfect excuse for spilling my drink everywhere! (instead of the usual nervous/tired/tipsy excuses that I usually rely on)

Other news: My tutorial kids' assignment have shifted up almost an entire letter grade since the last round! I just finished marking and I am bursting with joy... every time I see one of them properly using a term or device that we discussed in our section, I feel almost tearful with pride. They are so smart!

PhDifficult

Among the many things that have happened in the last three days, the one that's causing me the most brain pain is a coffee talk I went to at school, meant to help us graduate types decide whether or not to dip our painted toes in the PhD pool. Two Concordia English profs (one a slouchy, bag-eyed, let-me-give-it-to-you-straight abused veteran of the academy, the other a more trim and proper - though no less cautionary - Cambridge grad) sat around a table with us, mechanically flicking our wee academic hopes far off into the distance.

I know that there are way too many people getting PhDs these days, I know that you could buy a private jet instead of paying for it all, I know that there are twenty million contenders for each job and your hope of being financially (and, evidently, emotionally) stable before your mid-thirties is slimmer than Jim... but there must be some reason to get a PhD, right? At one point, the bag-eyed one said something about doing it because you are really, truly, heart-bleedingly in love with whatever it is you're studying and nothing else could possibly make sense to you. As the talk progressed, none of us had the heart to ask if he still felt in love with what he's doing.... the anguished answer seemed implicit.

I guess they were just doing what they had been asked to do: painting us the honest picture of what the next ten or fifteen years of our miserable lives will look like if we go down that road. Yes, you'll be reading and studying with fellow English Lit addicts. You might even get a job - eventually. You might even get tenure one day. You might even find time to have a family ... but don't assume anything. If you like walking around the English department in your socks at 10 o'clock on a Friday night, muttering to yourself, trying to sort out the best way to squeeze some money out of the latest grant-dealer, then, sure, go for it.

I think that without realizing it I used to sort assume a relatively simple track for myself: undergrad-master's-phd-job. I didn't realize that reality is more like undergrad-master's-phd-probable death-job as a waitress.

After all, I've spent a lot of time in the last year or two hanging out with people who have PhDs and tenured jobs, and who naturally make everything they do look easy, so I thought that a fair amount of effort would guarantee a fair amount of success.

Yet another bubble of idealism in my life has been deftly pricked!

It's a good thing though, I guess. I mean, I'm not ruling out the PhD option. I'm pretty sure I could do it. I'd probably even find warped little ways of enjoying it. But I think it's a matter of weighing it all out... deciding what I want my life to ultimately be about, and then deciding how to get there. Luckily I'm locked into an MA program that's two years long (or three, if you're on Concordia time) so I've got a chance to really réfléchir. Here is my current opinion of the key elements of a PhD degree, according to Friday's experts:

Constantly struggling to fit the formula for millions of grant applications: bleh.
Applying to thirty jobs, getting an interview for two of them, feeling good about only one, and getting hired for neither because I wasn't "on" enough at the wine-and-dine: bleh.
Shmoozing at conferences with the blatant and insincere goal of "making contacts": bleh.
Feverishly trying to publish academic articles (instead of short stories): bleh.
Watching "real-world" friends have "real-world" experiences (I know that's a problematic term) while I try to drum up enthusiasm for the same project I've been working on for four years: bleh.

On the other hand...

Writing whatever I want to write - YAY!
Teaching - YAY!

I know that an MA is enough of a degree to teach creative writing in universities. I also know that teaching my tutorial is consistently one of the best parts of my week. I just think that if I did get a creative writing teaching job, I'm going to want to teach literature courses, too... but to do that in a university I'd definitely need a PhD. Which leaves college, Cegep, and high school. I'd love to have a job like Wayson, who teaches on-and-off in the writing department at Humber, and spends the rest of his time writing his brilliant novels and touring the country to read his brilliant novels out loud to people. Cegep is kind of an intriguing option, too... and one that is fresh in my mind because after a half-shouted conversation at the pub on Friday night, I finally understand what it is! In Quebec, high school only goes until grade eleven, and then there's Cegep, and then there's university or whatever else. Cegep is optional, free, and stands in for what in Ontario would be Grade 12 and the dearly-departed OAC, but it works like university: students choose their program and set up their own schedule of classes. Also, apparently, you don't need teacher's college to teach there, just a graduate degree, and an alleged shortage of Cegep teachers is creeping closer as many people are retiring in the next ten years.

but... WHO KNOWS! the variables in my life are endless right now. What will I want to do in two years? Who will I be with? Where will I be going? What will I have going for me?

One thing I will say for the PhD route: that would be an extra five or six years when I wouldn't have to face the ugly mug of OSAP loans.

Here is what I hope: I write a brilliant thesis, McLelland & Stewart picks it up, it wins everything, including the Booker, I'm suddenly a hot ticket in the literary world, people want movie rights, Clive Owen signs on as the big-screen star, I buy a vineyard in the south of France and move there with my mom and Clive where we while away our days in literature and tennis.

You can all come to visit. I'll fly you over on my private jet.

In the meantime, nothing to do but let this whole debate puddle around in my brain while I bulldoze through piles of work (or at least little ant hills of work) in preparation for Bronwyn and Adam's visit next week. I don't know how this happens, but I'll spend an entire afternoon in here at my desk, calmly reading and taking notes, not doing anything too wild, but I'll emerge at the end looking like I just went through an epic battle: pen splotches all over my clothes, hair twisted all over the place, legs asleep, highlighter marks on my face... this is the current picture. Time for a rest!